Pain Rant

This is a Pain Rant

A major Pain (and anger) rant

I have had a day from hell

Yet again

And I am 100% sick of it....

I ran out of my Solpadol painkillers this evening, which I feel guilty taking because it is always emphasised to me that they are addictive blah blah blah BLAH

Why the hell would I want to be addicted to something that barely makes a difference to me and my pain ? I've heard rumours that taking 60mg of codeine once will make you as high as a kite, let alone taking it 3 times a day....

All it does for me is SOMETIMES it takes the top edge off of the pain... and SOMETIMES it slightly relaxes the muscles...

And sometimes I would never know I'd taken it... so much for the wonderful euphoric effect

I wish !

So... I had 2 doses and then none for this evening... although the 2 lots I took today had hardly any effect. I have had a day of horrible pain and stiffness, and to make matters worse it was cold and I had to pay late bills instead of ordering heating oil with my meagre months salary (€300 for part time work) !

And another thing... I have apparently had arthritis for years as an adult (besides having Stills Disease as a child since I was 2), and now my spine is also affected seriously, why, at the very most, does my consultant only ever offer me NSAIDS ? Which he knows I can't take as my stomach is ********.

Why after several years seeing the same consultant do I not have a full diagnosis and and am not being treated specifically ?

A part of me says 'Girl YOU don't complain enough maybe'.... And then... at times... I even consider that maybe I'm imagining all this pain and inflammation and I'm not given the required drugs as I'm not ill enough to warrant them...

See how insidious the whole situation gets ?

All I know is I'm sick of IT.... Sick of the constant never ever ending pain and stiffness.... It's like living your whole life walking through MUD, and having PAIN walking through mud... Even opening a door hurts in the joints of my hand and in the arm muscles and in my shoulder...

I have to consciously consider and think about every single movement I make, and I can feel every single movement I make, feel it in every single muscle in my body. I have to consciously walk, it's no longer unconscious.

SO

Despite the fact that I can't even afford heating oil, or a plumber to fix the system and restore my hot water, I will scrimp and save and go without...

I am going to get an appointment with another consultant and if I'm lucky hopefully make life bearable again, because as it is I do nothing but struggle through pain and extreme exhaustion. I have almost no current quality of life.

Watch this space...